Shame is the Shadow of Love
by FoxBrooksbank
Summary: "Dean had a sudden vision of Castiel spread eagle, blue eyes glassy and staring blankly. Charred black outlines of feathery wings splayed out over the ground and blood seeping over the beige trenchcoat from a wound made with a silver white blade. Dean shook the image from his head, and Dean prayed." Immediately after S8E23. Eventual Destiel.
1. Shame is the Shadow of Love

_AN: Alright, so this is my first real attempt at fanfiction. Hope you guys enjoy. I'm going to be a sporadic poster because I'm a bad bad person. This is Destiel. If you're interested the title is a lyric from PJ Harvey's song 'Shame'; It gets me right in the feels. _

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"I'd jump for you into the fire

I'd jump for you into the flame

Tried to go forward with my life

I just feel shame, shame, shame

Shame, shame, shame

Shame is the shadow of love"

-PJ Harvey, Shame is the Shadow of Love

"Cas! Castiel!" Dean screamed into the night as Sam stumbled and fell against the Impala. "Where the hell are you?"

Dean clutched his younger brother around the shoulders and knelt at his side. Sam groaned in pain, whatever was happening to him Dean knew was well beyond Dean's knowledge.

"Sammy?" Dean asked helplessly as the other man thrashed around in apparent agony. A sudden whooshing noise make Dean look around. His first thought was Cas, but a light in the sky above caught his eye and his heart sank into his stomach with sickening dread. "No, Cas," he pleaded to the empty night.

Unable to tear his eyes from the sky, Dean watched a form plummet through the clouds, burning. The creature's wings were burned off by the decent and the form tumbled into the shallow waters of the lake next to where the little abandoned church stood. Dean blinked in surprise.

"What's happening?" Sam's voice was strained.

"Angels," said Dean. "They're falling."

Dean looked at the rippling water where the angel had just disappeared beneath the surface. Without thinking he felt himself get to his feet and run to the shore, diving in. The water was bracing, but Dean kicked towards the spot where the angel was floating just under the surface, face down. Dean hooked his arms around the angel's waist and kicked back towards the shore, pulling the dead weight with him.

Dean hauled the suited form up onto the muddy shore and scrambled around to look at it's face. Not Cas. Well, of course it wasn't Cas. That would be too convenient. God Cas. Naomi had been telling the truth. Why couldn't that stupid gruff blue eyed son of a bitch have been a little patient for once and they could have avoided all of this. Christ, Cas might not even be alive.

The fallen angel stirred and Dean started out of his worry for the absent angel. This angel- or this angels vessel, Dean was still confused on how that one worked- was male with light brown hair and sharp features. A little trickle of blood escaped the corner of his mouth and he opened brown eyes. Dean didn't recognize the angel, why would he, but it seemed to recognize him because his face contorted into an expression of rage.

"Winchester!" the angel hissed and lashed out at Dean who jumped out of his grasp just in time. "I should have known you were behind this."

"Dude, calm down!" Dean held his hands up and backed away not wanting to have a big confrontation when Sam was back at the Impala dealing with god knows what, but the angel had other plans. He rushed forward and grabbed Dean by his jacket and threw him at least ten feet towards the little church where the almost human Crowley was still bound. Dean landed hard in the dirt and scrambled to his feet. Screw this. He was grabbing Sam and getting out of here. The angels might have gotten kicked out of heaven and had their wings burned off, but they were obviously still angels. Dean made a beeline to Sam, who was trying to stand. He dragged Sam to his feet with one hand and wrenched open the back door with the other. Sam collapsed on the back seat and Dean slammed the door shut after him.

Once behind the wheel Dean shifted gears and floored the gas pedal. The Impala peeled out of the lot and sped towards the road. Dean glanced in the rearview mirror to see the fallen angel giving chase, though without his wings, he seemed no faster than a human. Dean continued to drive until the church and lake were far behind.

"Sam?!" Dean yelled over his shoulder to where his little brother was still sprawled on the back seat. "Sammy! Tell me what's happening!"

"I don't know what's happening, Dean," Sam groaned and Dean glanced back to see him push himself to a seated position. Sam was grimacing and his hands were clenched into fists. Dean had no idea what the consequences would be for Sam not completing the final trial, but he wasn't naive enough to think that there wouldn't be any. No, who they really needed right now was Kevin. Maybe something was in one of those stupid tablets that said what happened if someone didn't complete the trial.

"We're going to figure this out," Dean said, reaching over and opening the glove box. "Just sit tight. I'm going to fix this." He grabbed a burner phone and punched in Kevin's cell number. It rang and rang and went to voicemail. Dean swore and redialed, this time there was a click and Kevin Tran's voice sounded.

"Who is this?" Kevin sounded panicked and there was some cacophony in the background of alarms and the electric buzz of machinery.

"Dean, jesus Kev what's that sound?" Dean demanded. "You at the bunker?"

"Crap, Dean, something is happening," Kevin said in his nervous almost whining voice. "All these lights and alarms came on right when I got here; I swear I didn't touch anything! Please tell me this isn't like some sort of nuclear fallout?"

"Relax, man, we're on our way," Dean said. "The Letters must have had some sort of alarm system if there was a huge supernatural event."

"So this is because you closed the gates?" Kevin said, a touch of awe in his voice. Dean felt his stomach turn in guilt. Poor kid was going to be pissed. Dean glanced at Sam, still in the back seat, eyes closed shut.

"Not exactly," Dean said slowly. "We'll be there soon." Dean hung up before Kevin could reply.

"Dean," Sam said, his voice still strained. "Dean, what about Crowley?"

"What about him?" Dean asked.

"We left him," Sam said weakly. "He's like... half baked."

"Don't get all soft on my now, Sammy," Dean said shaking his head. "Crowley's still a demon."

"Are you sure, Dean?" Sam asked, sounding a little more like himself. "I'm pretty sure I dragged him over halfway to humanity."

"We'll deal with it later," Dean said. "Right now you're my priority alright, just trust me."

"And Cas?" Sam said quietly and Dean's heart skipped a beat.

"Cas is the reason the angels are falling," Dean said bitterly.

"What?" Sam said. Dean didn't want Sam to stress himself, but talking seemed to be distracting Sam from whatever pain the incompletion of the trials was causing.

"Cas thought he was closing down heaven, right?" Dean explained. "Well Naomi showed up and warned Cas and I that he wasn't completing trials. Metatron was tricking him into shutting out all angels. She must have been telling the truth, and Cas must have not listened. God, if he had just waited we could have figured this out together. I'm just so done with his crap, Sam."

"Dean, what if Cas is-" Sam hesitated for a long moment, "-dead?"

Dean didn't know how to answer. The possibility caught in his throat. He had a sudden vision of Castiel spread eagle, blue eyes glassy and staring blankly. Charred black outlines of feathery wings splayed out over the ground and blood seeping over the beige trenchcoat from a wound made with a silver white blade. Dean shook the image from his head, and Dean prayed. Pissed and hurt as he was, he prayed. He prayed to his angel and he prayed to God to let Cas be safe. Because it would just be too much to handle if Cas was dead.


	2. To Bring you my Love

_AN: Alright, I got this out a lot quicker than I had planned. I hope you guys enjoyed the last chapter. I am very interested in what is going on inside of Castiel's brain at the moment. I notice a lot of fics with human Cas have him trying to adjust to human life, and I have always thought that the hardest part would be dealing with human emotions. So that's basically what this chapter is. A peek inside Cas's noggin. Enjoy._

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"Climbed over mountains

Travelled the sea

Cast down off heaven

Cast down on my knees

I've laid with the devil

Cursed god above

Forsaken heaven

To bring you my love"

-PJ Harvey, To Bring You My Love

The sky was alight with burning wings and Castiel's gaze was glued to the heavens. His very human heart pounded against his ribcage and in this moment of regret and despair he thought only of Dean. Was Sam dying right now? What would Dean do to stop that from happening? Anything. Everything. Castiel knew.

Castiel also knew that he was to blame for this. The angels that were speeding to Earth would figure it out and they would come to take their vengeance on him for forcing them from their home. Maybe he deserved it. He had made this mistake time and time again. Always rushing to make decisions for others. Forcing his hand and thinking that he knew best. Why couldn't he learn? Why hadn't he stayed with Dean? None of this would have happened.

The former angel felt the uncomfortable absence of his grace. It was an ache that reminded him of what he once was and what he knew he could never regain; that closeness with divinity and his father. He wondered if Metatron had planted a soul in him. Castiel supposed he must have a soul because he felt. He felt the rough human emotion of panic and the sickening despair. And in the the haze of pain and shame he recognized something that must be hope. This hope fueled the guilt. What right did he have to feel hope?

But he did. _I want you to live this new life to the fullest._ That's what Metatron had said, and as much as Castiel resented the scribe for his treachery, he intended to follow his advice. Not the part about finding a spouse and reproducing; Castiel was doubtful that would ever happen- Oh, human cynicism already- Castiel almost smiled. But he would strive for redemption and absolution from what he had done to Heaven. And he would fix things with the Winchesters. Or he would try. He just hoped that Dean had stopped Sam in time. Dean would be broken if he lost Sam, and Castiel no longer had the means to make it right.

The last of the light from the cast out angels had faded from the sky and Castiel finally tore his gaze from the clouds and examined his surroundings. He was in forested terrain that might have be anywhere in the MidWestern United States, but Castiel prayed that it was Kansas. He stood still and closed his eyes, listening carefully. His human hearing was far inferior to his former angelic ears, but he thought he heard a road nearby with cars whooshing by. Perhaps he was near a highway... or was it a river? He opened his eyes and frowned in annoyance and frustration. These emotions he had felt before, no being celestial or not could be Dean Winchester's friend and not feel at least a little annoyed from time to time, and frustration, well, Cas knew as well as anyone how stubborn Dean could be. These feelings had been like irksome flies to angel Castiel, but now they flooded Cas and overwhelmed him, clouding his judgement. He thought he finally understood why Dean used such aggressive language.

As luck would have it, the noise did come from a highway. Cars and trucks whizzed by Castiel as he walked towards the green road sign in the distance; squinting to make out the white lettering that would give him some indication of where he was. Castiel felt annoyed yet again at his inferior human eyes.

Finally, through the darkness, he saw the blue shield that marked the road at U.S. Rout 281 and the white type told him that Lebanon, Kansas was ten miles away. Castiel felt relief flood over him. He wasn't sure if ten miles was a long way for a human to walk, but from his time in the Impala he knew that ten miles was very close. He would find the bunker and wait for Dean, and hopefully Sam.

Castiel's optimism had completely worn off by the time the second blister began to bud on his left heel. Turns out the shiny black shoes that had come with his vessel were not meant for extended periods of walking, and he was astounded that he never realized how heavy and hot the trenchcoat was. Even in Purgatory with Dean when they had to hike for what seemed like an eternity Castiel had not felt the ache of muscles and the longing for sustenance that he felt now.

He cursed himself for breaking the habit of carrying a cell phone. If he could just call Dean. Dean would know what to do. Or at least he would pretend to know what to do; put on a strong face and tell him that they'd figure it out. Cas really needed that right now.

Castiel limped past fields and wheat and corn and dirt. Cars passed him occasionally and Castiel was thankful that they didn't stop. He would have no idea what to do if someone offered him a ride. What if someone tried to murder him or steal from him? Castiel didn't have much to steal, but he didn't really want to be confronted about his situation.

By the time the first signs of civilization appeared Castiel would have traded his new soul for a glass of water and the first light of day was creeping over the eastern horizon. His feet felt bruised and he had never felt the pain of hunger as much as he did. Even when he had craved food with Famine's influence it had been more of an appetite, a lust. Now he felt real hunger for the first time. It hurt, but in sort of a good way.

As Castiel stumbled past the parked black Impala towards the door to the bunker that once belonged to the Men of Letters, he suddenly felt dread. Dread that Dean would not forgive him. That Dean would turn him away. This fear ripped through him like no emotion he had ever felt as a human or angel, and for a moment he considered turning around and marching away to find some other life. But another very human emotion flared to life in Cas's heart in that moment. Courage made him lift his fist to the metallic door and pound three times.

There was a long moment in which Castiel could feel his heart pounding throughout his entire body and then there was a click. The door opened a crack and Castiel was greeted by the sawed off barrel of a shotgun and the slightest shadow sliver of the eldest Winchester.

"Dean," Cas said, both panicked and relieved, his voice was even more gravelly than usual due to his parched throat. Dean withdrew the firearm and swung the door open wide.

"Jesus, Cas," Dean said with a sigh. His green eyes swept over Castiel's form. Castiel thought his expression might have been relieved, but was that also exasperation? "Where have you been? I've been praying for hours!"

Cas opened his mouth to speak, but nothing came out. Dean had been praying to him. He hadn't heard. And that's when it finally sank in for Castiel. There was no going back. His grace was gone, used up by Metatron's spell, and he was forever changed. What use was he to Dean now?

Castiel felt an uncomfortable sensation like pressure in his throat and nose and a slight burning in his eyes. He realized he might be about to cry for the first time and bowed his head, squeezing his eyes shut tight.

Suddenly there were hands pulling him inside and Castiel felt Dean pull him into an embrace. Cas leaned into Dean, starving for comfort. Before that momentHe had never really understood why humans felt the need to touch each other so often. The hug was the epitome of safety and forgiveness.

Grief, shame and relief washed over Castiel and he buried his head in Dean's shoulder. A strangled sob escaped unbidden from his lips and Dean patted him on the back.

"Cas, what's happening?" Dean said. Castiel could hear the bewilderment in his voice and vaguely wondered if crying onto Dean's shoulder was breaking a social boundary. Somehow at the moment he could seem to care very much. "Cas?"

"Dean," Castiel gulped. "I just feel so much."

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_Please review and stuff! I would love some feedback. _

_-Fox_


	3. What do you want me to say?

_AN: What up ladies and gentlemen? I just can't seem to stay away from this story. I'm going through Supernatural withdrawal since Season Eight ended. Anyway. I am keeping with the POV alternation of Dean and Castiel because I love writing them both. They're just both too damn good. I also have been including opening lyrics of songs from my Supernatural playlist. Yes, I have a Supernatural playlist. Shh, you know you love it. Because when you ship Destiel, every angsty love song is about Dean and Cas in you brain. Or at lest my brain. So enjoy, my darlings._

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"There was a time when

You could make me laugh at will

And you can do it still

But never is it for the right reasons, yeah

What do you want me to say?

What do you want me to do?

To let you know that I do mean it."

-The Dismemberment Plan, What do you want me to say?

Dean peeked into the bedroom where Sam lay asleep. Cas sat in a chair adjacent to the bed watching Sam's form move steadily with shallow breaths. Apparently the staring thing wasn't an angelic trait; it was just Cas. Cas had abandoned his trenchcoat, dress jacket, tie and shoes. It took a minute for Dean to take in the unusual sight of semi-casual Cas. Dean wasn't going to lie, even after their Hallmark moment on the threshold Dean was still pretty pissed at Cas. However, despite what people seemed to think the hunter did have some tact and wasn't about to start a fight with someone who seemed to have the emotional boundaries of a four year old.

Dean cleared his throat as he stepped through the door and Cas looked around. He had a plate of scrambled eggs and toast in one hand and a glass of water in the other. He held them out to Castiel who was looking at him like he had just saved him from certain death.

"Thought you might be hungry," Dean said gruffly. Cas took the food and began eating at top speed. Dean watched with raised eyebrows. "Guess I was right."

"Thank you, Dean," Castiel said around a bite of toast. Dean grunted in response and directed his attention to the sleeping Sam.

"Are you sure you don't know what's wrong with him?" Dean asked quietly. Castiel set down his fork and took a swallow of water.

"I'm human now," Castiel said heavily. "My senses are frustratingly limited. I can no longer perceive the status of human's bodies or souls."

"But you still know everything you knew as an angel?" Dean said slowly and Cas nodded. "Right, so you've never heard anything about what happens to you if you refuse to complete a holy trial?"

"No," Cas said. "I'm not sure if anyone has ever refused before. Sam's case is most likely unique."

"Great," Dean said.

"How is this great?" Castiel asked earnestly and Dean turned to look at him with a furrowed brow. "Oh, sarcasm, I understand."

Dean rolled his eyes before he could stop himself and turned to exit the room. Before he reached the threshold of the door he heard a clatter of dishes and then a hand on his shoulder. Dean turned to see Cas staring at him with those big unblinking sad eyes.

"Dean," Castiel said. Dean looked down at the hand on his shoulder. His left shoulder. Dean felt the old scar that matched that hand tingle as its maker brushed over it. Castiel seemed to notice Dean's discomfort and let his hand drop to his side. "I'm sorry."

"You're sorry?" Dean said trying to remember that he had promised himself that he was going to let Cas become more adjusted and figure out how to help Sam before he unloaded his anger.

"Yes," Castiel said taking a step closer. "For everything."

Dean pursed his lips and took a deep breath in through his nose. He felt he deserved a gold star for patience. He closed his eyes and exhaled. Damn it. It was too much.

"You know what, Cas," Dean began, opening his eyes and meeting Castiel's. "It's just going to take a little more than that this time."

Castiel's shoulders slumped and he inclined his head to avoid Dean's gaze. Dean wasn't going to cave that easily and feeling sorry for Cas wasn't on his agenda. The guy had made his bed and now he would have to sleep in it. And Dean would be lying if he said it didn't bother him that Castiel's grief seemed to stem in a main part from the fact that he was now human. At least he was alive, right?

"Would you like me to leave?" Castiel asked. Dean resisted the urge to roll his eyes again.

"Damn it, no, Cas," Dean said. "That's not what I mean."

"I don't understand," Cas said looking up and tilting his head ever so slightly. Good to know some things never change. "What should I do?"

"Stay and help us clean up your mess!" Dean growled harshly. "And stop feeling sorry for yourself!"

Cas stared at him wide eyed. Dean could have kicked himself, but at the same time he had meant what he said. Dean was terrified that Cas was going to have another break down; he didn't think he could deal with that right now, but to his surprise and relief, Cas straightened his shoulders and looked Dean straight in the eye with a resolute grimace.

"You're right, Dean," Cas said flatly. "I chose you over Heaven so many times knowing it was the right thing to do. I should have stayed by your side. If I hadn't returned to Metatron, this might have all been avoided. I keep making the same mistakes. But it's not going to happen again. I know my place and it is not in Heaven. It's here."

"Oh," Dean said, a little taken aback. "Okay then."

Cas nodded once and continued to stare at Dean who shifted uncomfortably under the former angels gaze. The was a movement from across the room and Dean glanced to see Sam fully awake, propped up on his elbows staring at Dean and Cas with raised eyebrows.

"Sam," Dean said lamely and Cas turned his gaze on the younger Winchester as well. "How're you feeling?"

"Uh, sort of generally crappy?" Sam said. "But not in pain like before. So what's going on?" Sam glanced at Castiel. "The angels?"

"All cast from Heaven," Castiel said before Dean could respond. "Their wings burned."

"So you're...?" Sam asked awkwardly.

"I did not fall," Cas said. His voice was flat. "My grace was removed by Metatron. The other angels will maintain many of their divine powers, but I am human."

"Wow, I'm sorry, Cas," Sam said. Dean looked at him in surprise.

"Geez, I didn't realize being human was such a terrible thing," Dean said slightly affronted by sams comment.

"Come on Dean, it's got to be an adjustment," Sam said in an annoyingly logical way. Dean would be damned if Sam was going to make him the bad guy here.

"Could be a hell of a lot worse," Dean snapped. "Metatron could have killed him."

Castiel was glancing between the two brothers, a slight crinkle in between his eyes as if trying to figure out which one was on his side. Dean huffed and walked over to sam. He placed the back of his hand on Sam's forehead to check for a fever. His brother batted his hand away in annoyance.

"I don't have fever, Dean," Sam said irritably. Dean glared at Sam and clucked his tongue.

"Cas, could you give us a minute," Dean said, keeping his eyes on Sam's defiant bitch face. He heard Cas shuffle out of the room. No rush of wings, no displaced air, just soft footfalls and the gentle thunk of the door being closed behind him. Man, that was going to take some getting used too.

"So you're still being a dick to him?" Sam accused.

"Dude, come on," Dean said, holding his hands palm up in exasperation. "He couldn't be bothered, after all this time, to just take half a second to just work with us and, I don't know, figur crap out!"

"Yeah, but Dean," Sam said slowly, "he was trying to save his family. I mean, you just displayed pretty clearly what you're willing to sacrifice for me. We denied a holy quest that would have sealed evil away forever for purely selfish reasons."

"Sammy-" Dean began, but Sam interrupted.

"I'm not saying that I regret it," Sam sat up a little straighter. "I'm just saying that if anyone can relate to what Cas tried to do it's us."

"I just wish he had trusted me more." The words escaped his lips and they were so honest that Dean cringed a little at the knowing look on Sam's face.

"I think that we could all use a little more trust in this family," Sam said, the corner of his mouth twitched upwards in a smirk. "Just try to remember that Cas is probably freaking out right now trying to figure out all of his human needs and feelings and just everything."

"You're not wrong," Dean said his eyes widening for a second. "Dude, he cried. Like really cried. I had no idea what to do."

"My God Dean," Sam said rolling his eyes.

"What?" Dean said defensively. "I mean, I hugged him and kind of patted him on the back."

Sam just shook his head at Dean, his expression have annoyed, half amused.

"Look, to be honest, I'm more worried about you," Dean said, slumping into the bedside chair that Cas had vacated.

"Me?" Sam squinted at him confused. "I'm alive. I failed to complete the trials."

"Yeah, and you honestly think that there isn't going to be some huge B.S. consequence for opting out on a mission from God?"

"Hey, you were the one who talked me into it, Dean," Sam said, shaking his head in disbelief.

"Don't get me wrong," Dean said. "I wouldn't change anything, but I can't believe that we, _of all people_, would be lucky enough to get out of this without penalty."

"That's a fair point," Sam said looking a little worried. "But I'm not dead so... What's it going to be?"

"The hell if I know," Dean sighed. "Kevin has been combing over the demon tablet trying to figure it out, but honestly I don't know if that will help. Cas says that your case is probably the first. One of a kind."

"Lucky me," Sam grumbled. Dean stood up.

"So, do you want some breakfast?" Dean gestured to the now empty plate that had held Castiel's first meal as a human.

"Actually, I sort of just want to sleep some more," Sam said, flopping back down on his pillows.

"Alright well shout if you need anything," Dean said as he walked out of the room. Sam grunted in response.

Dean walked to the kitchen, but stopped at the entrance and observed the curious scene before him. Kevin and Cas stood at the stove. Kevin seemed to be attempting to show Castiel how to appropriately crack and scramble eggs in the big cast iron skillet. Cas was concentrating furiously on the stove and the way Kevin moved the eggs around the pan in quick chopping motions with a Teflon spatula.

Dean couldn't help but grin a little. If nothing else, it was going to be fun to watch Castiel try to figure out how to be human. The dude was really clueless about so many things. Dean walked up to the stove and took the pan and spatula from Kevin.

"You guys go sit," Dean said gruffly. "I'll finish cooking. I don't trust either of you with my food."

"I can cook just fine," Kevin grumbled.

"Whatever, you ate nothing but hot dogs for like three months," Dean pointed out. Dean glanced at Cas who was still standing next to him starring as always. Dean looked down at the eggs and smiled slightly. Maybe this was a chance to start over. Maybe this wasn't going to be so bad.

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_Hah, Oh Dean. What show have you been watching? It's not going to be pretty. Please Review and Favorite!_

_-Fox_


	4. Human Behavior

Oh man, sorry it's been so long guys. I just got a new job, I'm moving into a new apartment and I started watching Battlestar Galactica (so addicting). It's been hard to find time to write. Anyway, not a plot heavy chapter, but I hope you will enjoy.

-Fox

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"If you ever get close to a human and human behavior

Be ready, be ready to get confused and me and my hereafter

There's definitely, definitely, definitely no logic to human behavior

But yet so, yet so irresistible and me and my fear can

And there is no map uncertain"

-Björk, Human Behavior

He'd made it back to Heaven. That must be the only explanation for the calm bliss he felt, though Castiel couldn't remember how he had gotten here. But this wasn't the Heaven that he had visited so often as an angel. This must be the Heaven of his human soul. Had he died already?

Dean was talking to him, he realized, a big grin plastered over the hunter's face as he gripped the steering wheel of the Impala with one hand and shoved a tape into the old cassette player with the other. The car was briefly filled with percussion and guitar chords before a deep male voice began singing.

"Dude, I know it's sort of sappy, but this song is awesome," Dean said glancing away from the road to meet Castiel's eyes. Cas sighed and listened to the lyrics.

"I have never heard this song before," Castiel replied. It was amazing how little he cared about where they were going, or anything else, really. He was simply content to be surrounded by the familiarity of the Impala, and of Dean.

"The Smiths rock, Cas," Dean says. "Not my usual genre, but hey, I can have layers right?"

"I don't see why not," Castiel said and looked out the windshield to the road ahead. "Dean, where are we going?"

"Don't ask stupid questions, Cas," Dean said with a smile in his voice.

"I'm sorry," Castiel replied and fell silent, watching the trees slip past in a green-brown blur as they cruised the highway. A little jolt of surprise lurched through Cas's system when he felt a touch on top of his left hand, which was resting on his thigh. He looked around to see Dean watching the road and singing. Castiel's eyes moved from Dean's face, down past his shoulder and long arm to where the hunter's hand was resting atop Castiel's. Castiel was baffled by the situation, and even more baffled as he watched his hand, as if of its own accord, lock fingers with Dean's hand.

Dean was still singing with a slight grin as if this was the most normal thing in the world. Castiel's brain felt fuzzy and lazy, but he also felt content. He found that he liked Dean's touch, though he was pretty sure that this type of human behavior was not entirely normal within the confines of Dean's and his relationship. But if this was Heaven, then this couldn't be wrong. Cas smiled and Dean caught his eye and smiled back. The song ended.

"Hey Cas?" Dean asked.

"Yes, Dean?" Cas replied.

"Don't you think it's about time to wake up?" Cas frowned at Dean, confused.

"I don't know wha-" Cas began.

"Dude, wake up!" Dean's voice was loud and Cas hadn't seen his lips move. And then the scene before Cas was replaced with darkness and confusion.

Castiel opened his eyes blearily and groaned. He was warm and snuggled into a thick comforter. He focused his vision on the shape that was shaking him awake. Dean was hovering over him, one hand on his shoulder. Cas pushed himself into a sitting position and looked at Dean.

"Man, you sleep like the dead," Dean laughed. "It's past noon, though so I thought maybe you might want to join the land of the living for lunch."

"I was dreaming," Castiel said, mostly because his brain was still half asleep. The memory of the dream was fading fast and leaving Cas with the oddest feeling, almost like guilt, but with more nausea. For some strange reason Cas had the urge to hide his face from Dean.

"Dude, are you blushing?" Dean said with smirk. "First dirty dream, Cas?"

"Nothing was particularly dirty, no," Castiel said with a frown and Dean chuckled.

"Right, well, there's food if you want it," Dean said. "And don't take this the wrong way, but you might want to consider a shower."

Dean left the room, closing the door behind him. Cas sat there blinking for a few moments before getting out of the comfortable bed and making his way to the shower room. He decided that he liked sleeping, but dreaming was odd. Even when he had slept before when his powers were lessened he hadn't experienced dreams. He had just assumed the dream was real while he was in it, but now that seemed stupid. Why hadn't he realized it was a dream? There had been some pretty obvious indicators.

It did bring up some interesting philosophical questions though. Castiel had always been distantly fascinated by the human psyche, and more in particular the unconscious mind. Humans were so vulnerable during sleep, and dreams rarely were disingenuous in regards to emotions and the more primal instincts of humanity. Castiel remembered the atmosphere of peace in his dream. Dean was his best friend. Dean said they were like family. Like brothers? But Cas wasn't sure if that was entirely accurate. He had always considered himself Dean's guardian, and by proxy, Sam's, but Dean fascinated him on a level that other humans, and for that matter other angels, never had. Castiel admired Dean, and he could remember nothing in his existence bothering him more than when Dean was angry or disappointed with him. Why should one person's opinion matter so much to Castiel?

It took Cas what he assumed was probably a silly amount of time to get the shower water to a comfortable temperature, but once unclothed and covered in hot steamy water, he found himself thoroughly enjoying the experience... up until he got soap in his eyes. There were so many things to remember about being human. He had to eat and shower. Sleep and change his clothes. Brush his teeth and use the bathroom. It was so time consuming. Not to mention the tirade of emotions and insecurities that came with a soul and free will.

Cas powered through the rest of the shower with his eyes streaming and irritated red. He was pretty sure it was the soap, but briefly thought it might be demonic possession. Why would humans make soap sting so badly? Turning off the shower and wrapping a towel around himself he found his way back to his room where he had a clean shirt and pants waiting for him that he had borrowed from Dean. Both were slightly too large for him and he made a mental note to ask Dean or Sam to help him learn how to wash clothing so that he could launder his suit.

Jeans and a Led Zeppelin shirt didn't quite suit him, he decided. Though a small and irritating voice in the back of his mind pointed out how the worn band shirt smelled delightfully of Dean. Castiel ignored the fluttering feeling he felt him his stomach at this thought. What was wrong with him?

Cas entered the main room where Sam, Dean and Kevin sat at the table munching on sandwiches. Although Cas was annoyed by how much time he had to spend maintaining himself, he did enjoy food.

"Hey Cas," Sam said looking up. "Grab a seat."

The younger Winchester was still ill with… well Cas didn't know what. Dean was insisting that they take him to the hospital, but Sam brushed his brother off. Castiel was inclined to agree with Sam. What could human doctors do?

Castiel took a seat. Probably the most important happening of the last two days was the appearance of the hunter Garth and with him an unconscious Crowley. Turns out once Dean had returned Sam to the safety of the bunker he asked Garth to check if Crowley was still in the church. Castiel found himself oddly proud of Dean's decision to maintain responsibility towards the former king of hell.

Crowley was currently locked up in one of the rooms until further notice. Again, the Winchesters had asked Castiel what he thought might happen to Crowley now that he was… Well that was the question, wasn't it? What would Crowley be? Certainly not human, but perhaps not entirely demon either. Again, Castiel had been useless in the realms of information. It was eternally frustrating how pointless he was. And to make things worse he knew that he could no longer stay with the Winchesters.

"Sam, Dean," Cas began. He looked down at the sandwich that Dean had placed in front of him. "I need to talk to you."

"Alright," Dean's tone was casual. "Shoot."

"I think it might be best if I leave." There, now he had got their attention. Dean frowned, that familiar crease of his brow and narrowing of his eyes.

"What are you talking about?" Dean said gruffly.

"It's only matter of time before the Angels come after me," Castiel explained. "Many will blame me and seek retribution. It won't be safe to be around me and I don't want to put you in danger, especially when I'm essentially useless to you."

"Cas, do me a favor and shut up," Dean was sitting with his arms crossed glaring at Cas. Cas looked at Sam who was looking between them with an expression that seemed to fall somewhere between suspicion and amusement. Cas didn't have the time to fathom what he was thinking.

"Dean listen-" Cas began.

"No Cas, you listen," Dean spat leaning forward to place his hands on the table. "How many times are we going to have to go over this. We're all screw ups and that's what makes us family. And that means that we don't push each other away. If we're going to suffer, we'll suffer together and if you think I'm going to let you- I don't know - draw fire, then you haven't been paying attention. We're in this mess together."

Cas blinked. He felt his heart swell with affection for Dean, but was still convinced that him leaving was the right thing to do. Sam was smiling softly and he and Kevin exchanged looks.

"How could I forgive myself if I put you and Sam in harms way yet again?" Cas said quietly. "I can't protect you anymore."

"Yeah, well, maybe it's our turn to protect you," Dean said simply and went back to eating his sandwich as if the discussion was over. Cas marveled at the stubbornness of humans. Scratch that: the stubbornness of Dean Winchester.

"You're going to protect me from hundreds of angry, fallen angels?" The corners of Castiel's mouth twitched into the beginnings of a smile and Dean shot him a scathing look.

"If I have to," Dean said and then nudged Sam. "Right?"

"Right," Sam said clearing his throat. "We're always stronger together, Cas."

Wonders never cease. Castiel had torn up the world. Torn up the trust of his friends. Made the same stupid mistakes time and time again. Yet somehow these humans, these people, still wanted him around. Castiel knew one this for certain, the angels would never show him to devotion and forgiveness that the Winchesters had. They were his true family. This was his true home. And even if he died tomorrow, he that knowledge was the most bright and fierce thing that he had ever experienced.

"Okay then," Castiel said, trying to suppress his beaming smile. "What do we do now?"


End file.
